


Top Nine Annoying Things in An Avenger’s Life

by SmartCoffee



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Anger Management, Animal Language, Bugs & Insects, Cell Phones, Child Abuse, Clothing, Construction, Dating, F/M, Gaming, Guns, Holidays, Humor, Kenyan food, Laundry, Medicine, Nutrition, Quantum Mechanics, Shapeshifting, Shrinking, Social Media, Toys, Villains, credit cards, firearms, force fields, mixtapes, movies - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:27:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 4,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24243538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SmartCoffee/pseuds/SmartCoffee
Summary: Wouldn't it be great to be an Avenger? Well sure, but that doesn't mean nothing's wrong with their lives. No one questions Thor back on Asgard but in New York, he better have a credit card.
Relationships: Jane Foster/Thor, Scott Lang/Hope Van Dyne
Comments: 28
Kudos: 101





	1. Thor

9\. You can’t pay for stuff on Earth by saying you’re an Asgardian prince.

8\. Tony Stark treats me like an idiot even though Asgard is a thousand years more advanced than Earth. 

7\. Construction guys always think it's hilarious to ask me to pound some nails.

6\. Revolving doors and capes. 

5\. Always have to keep my guard up because Loki will shapeshift into ANYTHING. 

4\. When I'm out with Jane, people always yell, “I love you, Padme,” and she refuses to explain what that is about. 

3\. Frankly, playing XBox and having a dad bod was amazing. I miss it. 

2\. I learned the hard way that Rocket could give me rabies. 

1\. Every time I see a doctor, I say I’m Thor and they ask how bad my soreness is. 


	2. Spiderman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It isn't easy being your friendly neighborhood webslinger.

9\. Stop asking about my other six legs.

8\. I've tried Tide, Gain, and Persil, but no detergent gets web out of cotton.

7\. I love Cap, but I don't know what he's talking about half the time. What's "duck and cover?"

6\. Mr. Stark is great sober but he's a mean drunk.

5\. Sometimes when I talk to Black Widow, the other Avengers yell, "Jail Bait!"

4\. Once Black Panther stole my mask and took it to Wakanda. Not cool, bro. Have you ever had to get a visa and break through a forcefield to get your clothes back?

3\. It's crazy that I'm allowed to save the world but I can't rent a Buick for another 4 years.

2\. Yo New York rent is mad expensive.

1\. My nose hurts ALL THE TIME.


	3. Black Panther

9\. Explaining that you’re Black Panther but not one of THOSE Black Panthers

8\. I have an accent? What accent?

7\. Being King of Wakanda means having to do boring things like approve highway projects and analyze bond yields.

6\. The Avengers bring me to America often and it is shameful that it is so hard to find soft chapatis or flavorful pilau in this land.

5\. The Snap of Thanos was brutal and the loss of life it brought are a grave and serious matter. But do you have any idea how difficult it is for a nation to calculate taxes on people who were neither alive nor dead for five years? 

4\. It pains me to admit that my baby sister is smarter than I am.

3\. Father’s Day.

2\. The Jabari are part of my kingdom and, of course I value them, but they are like the Kentucky of Wakanda.

1\. I have been on Twitter for 3 years and still do not have a blue checkmark.


	4. Ant-Man

9\. There's no good way to explain to people that your girlfriend is a wasp.

8\. After speaking ant languages all day, I forget simple words like "spoon" and "waffle."

7\. Not being able to get Netflix until I explained that I used to be a criminal but I'm not anymore

6\. People think I understand quantum mechanics because I've been in the quantum realm but that crap is really confusing.

5\. I learned the hard way that I could get rabies from Rocket.

4\. Sometimes Hulk acts up and the best way to stop him is for me to shrink and bite his inner ear. 

3\. I miss my little girl and we don't spend enough time together.

2\. Ants eat weird food. It's like grains of sugar and bread crumbs. Sometimes a guy wants a steak.

1\. Natasha flirts with me, knowing it's not going to go anywhere, just to mess with me.


	5. Rocket Raccoon

9\. I do not like being petted.

8\. Frickin' Starlord and his frickin' mixtapes

7\. Why hasn't this planet eradicated rabies yet??

6\. I haven't had Kree Fried Sea Locusts in a decade and I'm jonesing hard. 

5\. Natasha won't kiss me even though the Hulk is clearly more disgusting than I am.

4\. Because of my height, I can't drive but I CAN fly. What nonsense.

3\. Earth raccoons don't even know about Mars. 

2\. I get a mini heart attack every time I see a dead raccoon on the road.

1\. The gun's never big enough for the job, y'know?


	6. Nick Fury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Until Such Time As The World Ends, We Will Act As Though It Intends To Spin On

9\. I call Visa Cardmember Services and spell my name, "F - U -" and the rep immediately gets hostile.

8\. 3-D movies

7\. SHIELD spends a ridiculous amount of money on arrows and they aren't cost-effective.

6\. You can take a sick cat to the vet but not a sick Flerken.

5\. Have you ever tried to call a billionaire on a Saturday night?

4\. Head honchos at SHIELD keep sending me to anger management.

3\. We should have gone to jail at least six times for endangering a minor because of Parker.

2\. I can't even keep track of whether Coulson is alive or dead.

1\. When I go to church and the pastor talks about God, I start thinking about Thor.


	7. Captain Marvel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I only have 6 subscribers and that's a bummer. Help a brother out.

9\. There are features of the Kree homeworld that were amazingly beautiful and I miss them. There were green flowers with a fragrance that would melt your heart.

8\. While I love flying, I hate commercial flights like Delta or British Airways. There’s way more room in the cockpit, but more importantly, I struggle with a loss of control.

7\. Tony farts ALL THE TIME. Cap will be saying something about how we face a dire and serious threat and Tony will say, “Yes, a silent but deadly threat.” 

6\. As much as I like my fellow Avengers, they’re not my real family. Except for Loki. Loki’s like my good-for-nothing little brother.

5\. It’s been ages since I’ve been on a real date. I’m not even looking for something fancy. I’d settle for lunch at an Olive Garden.

4\. Ant-Man owes me $47. Never lend Ant-Man money.

3\. It’s so hard to motivate yourself to learn martial arts when you can shoot laser beams from your fingers.

2\. It sucks when you open your movie in March, which isn’t even peak movie season, and you earn 1 billion in box office, 400 million domestic and 600 international, which are impressive numbers by any scale, but you still get remembered as a disappointment.

1\. I miss MTV showing music videos.


	8. Loki

Loki

9\. The mousse in my hair dries it out but I will not give up my signature look.

8\. When you lead an alien invasion of New York, nobody will look past that.

7\. I’ve heard every variation of the “lowkey / Loki” pun imaginable. I feel like I’d be better off if my name were Dick.

6\. Thor is such a Chad.

5\. Guys, there is so much gay fanfiction about me. I wasn’t even gay in any of the movies. I’m not homophobic, but sometimes a man needs to close the deal, and it doesn’t help when there are a thousand stories about you and Captain America cuddling like puppies.

4\. Orange soda. Why does this need to exist?

3\. Black Widow acts like she’s too good for me and I have to laugh because I’m a bloody prince and she’s a commoner.

2\. I’m a lonely little nerd.

1\. When I wear my golden helmet, Stark thinks it’s clever to ask, “Are you horny, baby?”


	9. Star-Lord

9\. Sandstorms ruin leather jackets. 

8\. Don’t get me wrong, I love Groot, but sometimes I want to take a chainsaw to his neck.

7\. There's a surprising amount of vomit to clean off the floor of my ship. 

6\. It kills me that Spiderman doesn't know who Kenny Loggins, Cyndi Lauper, and Sting are. 

5\. I hate it when I'm at a cookout and a blob of potato salad gets on my watermelon. 

4\. Gamora hates it when I stare at other girls, which I get, but once I saw a girl with orange skin and black stripes like a tiger. Can you blame me?

3\. I’ve been in space for seven years and I missed five Star Wars movies. 

2\. I basically have to talk to Drax like he's four because he doesn't understand metaphors.

1\. The number of credits Rocket spends on ammunition could buy me a brand new ship.


	10. Iron Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shellhead gets a chance at the old top nine.

9\. I'm the one who has to tell Hawkeye, "Sorry, there's no need for archery on this mission."

8\. If Parker tries to turn me on to Titan AE one more time, I'm gonna wring his neck

7\. Thor's hair gets everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

6\. Morgan asked me, "When can I get a cool suit like Aunt Natasha?"

5\. I come up with brilliant jokes about physics all the time. Pepper is not enthusiastic about them.

4\. Chafing

3\. I hate it when someone starts a conversation with, "I had the best Mother's Day. . ."

2\. Before Captain Marvel, I was the one who could fly. Now it's like I have a Ford and she has a Tesla.

1\. I'm very curious about polygamy and polyamory. Pepper is not enthusiastic about them.


	11. The Hulk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Man Of No Credibility

9\. There is no good sunscreen to use when your color changes from white to green and back again.

8\. Nat mutters in Russian when we're together and I'm 83% sure she's cursing me out. I googled the word 'Mudak.'

7\. Clothes are way too expensive these days.

6\. The university tenure system is incredibly broken and tainted by corruption to a point that the next generation of scientists almost certainly will not be led by graduates of American institutions.

5\. Eating for two people sucks. Last Thanksgiving, I ate three pies and it was fine as long as I was in Hulk mode, but when I was in Bruce mode I looked tubby.

4\. Nat's smart and funny but sometimes I sneak glances at Carol Danvers. This goes over as well as you'd expect.

3\. I have a weird condition where sometimes clumps of hair fall from my head.

2\. Working as part of a team isn't something I enjoy. It probably goes back to the time I was cut from my little league team in Poughkeepsie, New York in the middle of the semifinals. Also, the Hulk is a feral maniac that erupts like a volcano of pure rage. So that makes me a bit less of a team player.

1\. Captain America has absolutely terrible bad breath.


	12. Black Widow

9\. I feel like getting into and out of the black jumpsuit is my superpower.

8\. I'm so sick of being the only woman in the room.

7\. America has lots of great ethnic food, so why is it so hard to find good Beef Stroganoff?

6\. Vladimir Putin is a twisted bully.

5\. Cap is adorable but he can be so clueless. He actually thought you needed a washing machine for money laundering.

4\. Hawkeye's wife hates my guts.

3\. Most of the Avengers whine if a mission is in a cold place. Except Thor because he's spent centuries among Frost Giants. And I don't mind because nothing's as cold as Siberia. 

2\. Nick Fury is terrible to talk to. Once I told him he would've made a good Shaft and he gave me a dirty look.

1\. Sometimes I really hate English. I sound like I'm swearing when I say 'beach.'


	13. The Human Torch

9\. I can’t stand people asking, “Are you really an Avenger?” Bish, how many aliens do I need to kill to prove it to you?

8\. Hidden indoor sprinkler systems

7\. Have you ever gotten to the bottom of a bag of Cheetos, all the solid pieces are gone, and there’s just a handful of Cheeto dust that you know will taste delicious but make you feel like a slob eating it?

6\. Burning plastic smells so nasty. 

5\. Thing is impatient. He will break down a door before trying the knob or handle. 

4\. Heroes and villains talk about Sue Storm being hot, but that’s my sister, darn it!

3\. You’d never expect it but shopping for clothes with Reed Richards is really hard. 

2\. Loki once turned into a Torch clone and I’m disappointed to say he was good at it. 

1.Spiderman changes my Netflix password all the time.


	14. Captain America

9 I hate it when I don't understand the reference.

  
8 Do your coworkers make fun of you? Imagine the jokes they could make from 'America's Ass.'

  
7 "You haven't seen Jurassic Park? How is that possible?" Well, let's see, I had a combat role in World War 2. I nearly died, falling into subzero water. And, um, actually, I grew up Amish so we couldn't watch movies but I decided that lifestyle wasn't for me.

  
6 Falcon keeps saying he'd make a better Captain America than Bucky.

  
5 I hate it when people accuse me of using steroids. The army selected me for an experiment. Saying no would've been insubordination.

  
4 I actually don't think blue is a good color on me.

  
3 Doesn't matter who you're with, Thor will try to steal your gurl.

  
2 Confederate flags

  
1 You can't get a decent corned beef sandwich outside the 5 Boroughs.


	15. Agent Phil Coulson

9\. When people call me "the normal one," it hurts my feelings. Also, I did kind of come back from the dead.

8\. Sometimes you have to manage a workflow and repel a Chitauri invasion simultaneously.

7\. Being single sucks, yo.

6\. It's pretty unfair when a massive, overpowered hellbeast starts throwing punches at you. It's like, hey man, I'm a lightweight. Take that crap upstairs.

5\. Quake knocks down a lot of walls so there are constantly construction crews at HQ to repair the damage. I feel like I live inside an episode of Fixer Upper.

4\. Every few days I tell May, "It's the damndest thing. Today my temperature was 103. I think I have yellow fever." Then I raise my eyebrows. She has never laughed at that.

3\. I had to learn German to understand some of the leaders of HYDRA. That sucked but I really got into Death Metal which was cool.

2\. My life is really bizarre and implausible things happen all the time so I think there's an outside chance that Loki killed me and I'm experiencing an intricate hallucination involving SHIELD, HYDRA, and the Kree. Oooh time to take my pills.

1\. There's obviously a lot of things I can't do because I'm a SHIELD agent but the one that I obsess about is not being able to spend nine days at Burning Man.


	16. Ghost Rider

9\. Motorcycle insurance is too expensive.

8\. I've set my own bedroom on fire by accident about seven times this year.

7\. Hell is one of the three worst workplaces of my life.

6\. I'm sick of thirsty girls asking if I like to be tied up in chains. Also, yeah, it's fun.

5\. Once I told Bruce Banner about how I sold my soul to the Devil. He said, "Oh, like Faust." I googled it. It sucks to realize that your life was the plot of a German novel written before you were born.

4\. Sometimes my coffee gets cold so I try to use my powers to warm it up. I just end up burning my hands.

3\. I kinda wish I had Captain Marvel's powers.

2\. I get really bummed if a store doesn't sell Fritos because those are my favorite.

1\. Alcohol that's anywhere near me makes me really nervous.


	17. Hawkeye

9\. I have ridiculous calluses on my hands from using bows as often as I do.

8\. I killed Natasha. They all try to convince me that it's more complicated than that but in my soul, I know I killed her.

7\. Video games are too expensive. A hundred dollars for one game is highway robbery.

6\. Budapest. Don't ask.

5\. My kids have Legos. I have extracted four saliva-covered Legos from their throats.

4\. Losing my hearing sucked.

3\. Clearly there are bigger things wrong with the guy, but Thanos reeks. The stench is a mix of wet paint and onion.

2\. My wife DID NOT enjoy being in hiding for several years.

1\. Rocket Raccoon gave me rabies too.


	18. Gamora

9\. Mayonnaise is nasty. Why do you put that on sandwiches?

8\. I swear Nebula has tried to steal Peter from me at least three times. Typical sister.

7\. I like plants but I don't get to see any on long space voyages.

6\. Edged weaponry is dope but an idiot with a good blaster can get a fatal hit on me.

5\. I have these weird memories of a guy named "Adam Warlock" but the other Avengers say I must be imagining things.

4\. My memories were partially wiped by time travel. It's not great. The weirdest thing is not knowing what you don't know.

3\. Peter is very handsy.

2\. Never learned etiquette because Thanos was my adopted dad. 

1\. I'm the last of my species so that's worse than anything else.


	19. Peter Quill

9\. I'm not proud of it, but I have accidentally shot my crew with friendly fire. Luckily nobody died but I feel terrible about it.

8\. Because of relativity and long spaceflights, I've heard the phrase, "I am Groot" for 987 straight years.

7\. The State of New York refused to issue me a driver's license that said 'Star Lord,' so I am stuck with 'Groove Daddy Funk Master.'

6\. It's like every time I'm back on Earth, there's a new media format - cassettes, CDs, mp3s, streaming. I can't keep up.

5\. I get really excited when I have ice cream and eat it way too fast.

4\. Gamora and I probably can't have kids because our cells are too different.

3\. I've broken pretty much all my ribs on missions.

2\. Certain planets have atmospheric conditions that are extremely hard on my hair.

1\. Big dogs are amazing but chihuahuas are straight from Hell.


	20. Bucky Barnes

9\. It's a casual conversation and the guy says, "it's nice but it's gonna cost you an arm and a - - , oh, geez, I'm so sorry."

8\. Steve is a terrible wingman because he's so attractive.

7\. Coulson yells at me and Nat when we speak Russian. He gets anxious when people have secret conversations at SHIELD. Also, if you're going to have a secret conversation at a base for espionage, Russian is maybe not your best choice.

6\. There's no place to buy mousse or forming cream in Northern Russia.

5\. I got into lamb stew back in Wakanda but of course there's nowhere else in the world that makes it the same way.

4\. Tony's still upset that I killed his dad while brainwashed. Which is understandable. And also his mom.

3\. The Saint Louis Cardinals have been trying to sign me as a relief pitcher for three years. Dude, I already have a job. 

2\. Jerks who think saying, "Buck You" is funny.

1\. There's nothing anyone can do about this, but you guys, food was so much better in the 40s. 


	21. Agent Grant Ward

9\. Most people are just so weak.   
8\. My condom budget is a little out of control.   
7\. I get called “pretty boy” a lot. Breaking an arm or two puts an end to that.   
6\. I missed my chance with Gemma. You win some, you lose some.   
5\. My mousse budget is a little out of control.   
4\. When a demonic presence possesses you, the stink of sulfur gets into your furniture.  
3\. SHIELD has a shitty 401k.  
2\. I love Dunkin’ Donuts but it’s quite important that I stay in shape.  
1\. Taekwondo is a good martial arts but it’s been bastardized to the point that very few genuine Taekwondo schools remain.


	22. Vision

Vision

9\. The existential angst of needing an Infinity Stone to live while knowing that such a stone could help destroy the universe

8\. Magnets.

7\. Stark doesn't appreciate it when I tease him that he's just a step away from being me.

6\. Let me see if I can do this without crossing the line. I can make myself vibrate quite rapidly. But while I CAN do that whenever I want, I don't because that's not all I want to be.

5\. I hate robots in movies. Such awful stereotypes - except R2D2. I quite like R2.

4\. Friendly fire is an obvious hazard of being an Avenger, but dammit if Rocket isn't the most trigger-happy creature in the universe. I've had to replace 3 of my circuit boards and 7 of my docks replaced because of him.

3\. Black Widow is a tough fighter but she's dumb as rocks.

2\. I hate chewing and burping noises.

1\. Damned colon cancer. R.I.P. Chadwick Boseman.


	23. War Machine

9\. I know it makes me an asshole but I 

don’t like it when Tony calls Pepper his 

best friend because that’s what I am.   


8.I get airsick in the Mark II suit.

7.Avengers have to work together, no

matter what happens between us. But

it’s hard to forgive Vision for shooting me

out of the sky.

6.Tony’s a mean drunk. He’ll curse, he’ll

scream, and he’ll fight you.

5\. Part of me can’t believe this is a 

complaint but when you’re an Avenger,

girls chase you like crazy.

4.When we were fighting Thanos and I 

was on Morag, I made a move on Nebula. 

Shot down.

3.This doesn’t have to do with anything

but I hate licorice. It’s like eating a

candle.

2.Pepper has to pee all the time. 

1\. How come Hawkeye gets to have a 

farm? Why can’t I have one?


	24. Iron Man 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hate to be repetitive but this is a really fun series so I decided to write sequels to some of my top nines. I started the sequels with Shellhead, that is, Iron Man.

Iron Man 2

9\. I'm convinced Widow's played for the other team but she won't confess.

8\. People ask the dumbest questions about my heart. No, I can't electrocute you with it.

7\. Between running a major corporation, having a growing family, and being a good friend to a lot of broke-ass people, my credit card bills are insane.

6\. It's honestly getting very difficult to find villains we can use without losing the audience. If you use Chinese villains, the movie tanks. If you use Muslim villains, there are protests in the Middle East and South Asia. If you use Russian villains, they hack our elections. Wait, what if we used a Belgian villain?

5\. It takes hard work to keep this body in fighting shape. Muay Thai, pushups, and leafy greens. What I wouldn't give for a daily bag of Cheetos.

4\. Just between you, me, and the lamppost, Pep is insatiable.

3\. There's a constant flow of hipsters and Portlanders protesting outside Stark's HQ. It's fine. I get it. Peace is cool. But like, why don't they shower? Is there a 'Big Water' conspiracy?

2\. Why did I wait so long to try shawarma? It's so good and it's nearly pure protein.

1\. Having to die at the end of the movie sucks.


	25. Spiderman 2

9\. The Lizard is always covered in smelly slime.

8\. The Halal Guys raised the price of kebabs by a dollar.

7\. Why can’t I have a cool car, like a Spider Car or an Alfa Romeo Spider or a Mazda Spyder?

6\. I learned some German to tell Doc Oc a joke but he didn’t even react.

5\. MJ is worried that I don’t make enough to put a kid through college.

4\. It’s November in New York and I want to incorporate a ski jacket into my costume. 

3\. Venom is sooo annoying. He bites. And he drools on me. 

2\. Pizza is such a temptation. There’s good pizza all over the city but a tubby Spiderman isn’t in anyone’s interest. 

1\. Everyone wants to ride with me as I web-sling but I can’t take everyone.


	26. Captain America 2

9\. The muscles and bones of my hands are really screwed up because I do a lot of punching.

8\. I'm not going to tell you the details, but Black Widow broke my heart.

7\. Why'd we stop using White-Out? Even when you type something, White-Out is useful. Bring it back.

6\. Real talk - in many situations, bringing the shield is more trouble than it's worth.

5\. Back in the war, I almost got good at French. I'd like to see Paris without a Nazi army in charge. Je voudrais acheter un billet.

4\. So Tony has a bit of a reputation as a drunk but Groot really gets hammered. And tree vomit is bizarre.

3\. Thor wanted to take me to bed once. I said no. I couldn't believe it but he said Asgard was probably more liberal than Earth. I'm still weirded out by him.

2\. I'm kinda jealous of T'challa because women can't resist him. I mean, I'm not bad in that department, but he's like a rock star.

1\. They must've done something to the recipe because oreos were way better in the 40's.


	27. Thor 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor might be immortal but he’s still got problems.

9\. I think it would be hilarious if Wanda did card tricks but she said it’s lame  
8\. Steve Rogers is a damned liar.  
7\. Black girls have never given me a chance.   
6\. String theory is annoying because it’s almost right; your physicists should straighten it out in 200 years.   
5\. Grapefruits are fruits but not grapes - what?  
4\. Some people get hit by lightning nine times but it’s never cute people.   
3\. There are never enough Twix.   
2\. I’m debating getting the PS 5 but the last Xbox really wrecked me.   
1\. I miss Jane


	28. Falcon

9\. I hate looking like a bird.

8\. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be the black Avenger who ISN'T a king/billionaire?

7\. I cannot, repeat cannot, share a remote with Cap. Murder She Wrote sucks.

6\. Cap, Bucky, and me work a lot of missions. Everybody knows Buck was a brainwashed assassin. So how come whenever we're out, I'm the one getting suspicious looks?

5\. I bonded with Captain Marvel over the fact that we both sort of fly, you know. I told her I wouldn't mind being her in-flight movie. She gave me a poker-face expression. So I'm still working on that.

4\. About every four months, SHIELD has a HYDRA purge and so it turns out all these people you thought were good guys were actually bad. The annoying part is going through the contacts in your phone.

3\. Chicken wings. I just think legs are better. 

2\. I grew up in the church but Ghost Rider can be too preachy, even for me. Set a good example and let people come to you.

1\. I can press a button and have a desk delivered to my house but on trash day, I gotta drag a stinky can out to the curb? Why hasn't this nightmare been solved yet?


End file.
